A story about veterinary costs from a cat’s perspective.
11pm. Saturday night. Pitch black in the apartment. All is quiet. And tense.
Marcy and Penelope Kitten are hiding under the sofa.
Five hours earlier: Cynthia and Freddy hustle sick tabby cat, Hamlet, into a cat carrier and race out the door with him. We hear tires screech as they peel out of the driveway at top speed.
11:30pm. Marcy and Penelope Kitten are still under the sofa. Still quiet. Still tense.
penelope kitten (squeaking): i have to pee.
Marcy: Go ahead.
Penelope peeks out but the litter box seems dangerously very far away.
penelope kitten: i’m scared. you go first.
Marcy: No way.
The Kit Cat Clock ticks away.
penelope kitten: where do you think they took hamlet in “the box of doom”?
Marcy (grimly): You only go one place in “The Box Of Doom”. The vet.
penelope kitten: gasp.
Marcy: Well, he was pretty sick.
penelope kitten: i hope he comes back.
Slow, heavy footsteps are heard on the stairway.
penelope kitten (panicking): oh my gatoooooo!
Marcy (also panicking): Run! No! Stay! No! Run! Stay!!
penelope kitten (shriek squeaking): why can’t i be invisible?!!
The door opens. Both cats dive into a kitchen cabinet.
Cynthia and Freddy enter with a drugged out and tired Hamlet. They take him out of the carrier and put him on his cozy blanket.
The next day Marcy and Penelope venture out of the cabinets. Penelope goes to check out Hamlet while Marcy checks out Hamlet’s veterinary paperwork.
penelope kitten: hey, hammy.
Hamlet (sleepily): Hey, P.
penelope kitten: you gonna be ok?
Hamlet: Hope so.
Marcy: No way!
penelope kitten: what?
Marcy: Hamlet’s ER vet bill is $1300! He just joined the Thousand Dollar Cat Club!
penelope kitten: what’s that?
Marcy: It’s when a hooman pays an exorbitant amount of money to keep their pet cat alive and/or free from suffering. It’s especially significant if the hooman had been bragging over the years about how they will never spend a ton of money on vet bills for their cats.
penelope kitten: gasp. mom said that?
Marcy: Oh yeah. Cindy was a firm believer in not going bankrupt for your cat. How do you think she justified having FOUR of us? Plus all those stupid ferals she TNR’s and feeds. I joined first with my teeth issues, Scooter joined this past winter with his undiagnosable recurring cat rash, and now … Hamlet!
penelope kitten: what happened to you, hammy?
Hamlet: It was thought to be an obstruction but turned out to be gastritis with possible hyperthyroidism.
Marcy: Heh heh heh. Thirteen hundred dollars for … gastritis. Way to go, dude. Here’s your badge.
penelope kitten (impressed): he gets a badge?!
Marcy: Having your cats join the Thousand Dollar Cat Club means your Cat Mom and Cat Dad love you so much they lose all reason and shell out the big bucks.
penelope kitten: i wanna join the Thousand Dollar Cat Club!