It’s another Dear Marcy. Ask her anything and hope she doesn’t answer. …
I was supposed to go to my 25-year class reunion this summer, but it got cancelled due to the pandemic. Instead of meeting up in a hotel ballroom, we are now meeting up on Zoom.
I’m dreading it. I’ve seen myself on Zoom, and it is not a pretty sight. I tend to look jowly, mean, and ten years older than I feel. I mean, I’m pretty cute and peppy IRL.
How on earth do I look cute on this stupid app?
Cuter Than I Look On Camera
Dear Impending Zoom,
Nobody looks good on Zoom. Except cats. But that’s because we have furry faces and pointy ears.
I hate to break it to you, but Zoom was actually invented to make normal people feel insecure and sad about their appearance.
It’s part of the revenge pact all billionaire Silicon Valley guys signed to make up for the fact they spent their high school years covered in acne, playing Dungeons and Dragons in basements, and whining about how girls don’t like boys who wear glasses.
It’s Revenge of the Nerds: 21st Century Edition.
Unfortunately, there is not much to be done since these deleterious dweebs now run our world and are hellbent on filling you with as much self loathing and despair as they felt during their agonizing adolescence.
With that said, you could take the regular “how to look good on Zoom” advice:
- Use natural, front facing light (this prevents you from looking like you belong in a Dateline episode)
- Wear a solid top in a bright color (keeps the attention on you. I recommend fuchsia)
- Do your hair and makeup (blotting powder is your friend since dewey = greasy on Zoom)
- Place the camera at eye level or slightly higher (no one wants to see your boogers)
- Keep a slight smile on your face (smirking lifts up those jowls and eye bags + makes your look deliciously smug)
- Turn off “Enable HD” and turn on “Touch up my appearance” (this is the equivalent of the tech geeks throwing you a bone)
Blah, blah, blah, I know … so boring and predictable.
If all this sounds like too much trouble, get drunk. That’s what everyone does at a 25-year high school reunion.
*Please email Marcy at MarcyVeryMuch@gmail.com if you have a pressing question that needs to be answered by an opinionated cat.
I think this pandemic is getting to me. I’m turning into a grouch. Because here’s my answer, and I think it’s actually meaner than Marcy’s (wow – is that possible?):
Don’t go, Zoom or no Zoom.
You can get drunk and wear fuchsia in the comfort of your home without turning the camera on, thereby saving you from Zoom panic. And I bet you’ll have a better time. Your jaw won’t hurt from forcing a smile at pictures of people’s kids, or feigning interest in someone’s life insurance business.
How’d I do, Marcy??
It’s purrfect. So snarky.
I’ll hire you when I need a vacy.
I would like to borrow the cat head Freddy wore in the Cat Show for my future Zoom meetings. This would solve all problems. I’d look good as only a cat can, no fussing with hair and makeup, no worries about what’s dangling from my nostrils and I’d sound so muffly I could insult people then claim they misunderstood me.
Wadya think, Marcy? ?
Sounds good. Except, why on earth would you want to sound muffly when insulting people when you could insult them very clearly and loudly? You are missing the point a bit but I like your snark attempt. My readers are learning. Perhaps I will consider hiring you too when I go on my vacay.
This is great advice Marcy! P.S. it’s great to see some familiar faces on that Zoom shot 🙂
Thank you. I’m the best.
Cynthia musta taken your advice bc she looks great in the zoom meeting? Why weren’t you with her?
Because I only make paid appearances now. Cindy doesn’t pay. She’s cheap. And inconsiderate.
There’s a rumor going around that I don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Just like Lina Evangelista back in the ’90’s.
I will not confirm or deny this rumor.
So. Would you like to book me for your next Zoom meeting?