Cynthia:  Because I did not.

That’s the latest news.

Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a third grader living in England with her parents, twin sister, and pet cat named Charmmy.

For the past 40 years.

Please excuse me while I attempt to pick myself off of the floor and go about my everyday existence.

Even though nothing makes sense anymore and I am now not sure if I am really me.

Maybe I’m a cat.

Cynthia wanders off in a foggy haze of confusion, bewilderment, and existential angst.

Marcy:  Wow.  And I thought I was dramatic.

Marcy resumes chewing her toenails which was what she was doing before the weight of the whole world fell on top of Cynthia’s head.

*The Los Angeles Times broke the story here. And, you can find Hello Kitty’s official (albeit soul questioning) biography on the Sanrio site here.